22 September 2023

when i'm tripping, my goal has kind of been what i think other people would refer to as a "bad trip" lol. i want to be taken on a trip that is totally crazy. like i want to lose my sense of self and like live an existence that i could not comprehend until i experience it. what i currently experience is more akin to taking myself out of context. the situation i'm in is un-contextualized but i am still comprehending myself as... me! like i may not grasp that i'm sitting on my back porch, but i will create a narrative based on conlusions i draw from my senses. like, yes, i'm sitting in a chair and there are trees and the sky is blue and i'm outside, but i may like forget that i had a whole day before i was out there or that it will become night later or whatever. it's just right here right now, whatever my mind makes up. same with people nearby, i may have emotions attached to the people but i v easily forget who they are and any history i may have with them. they are just a an archetype (contrived from the emotion / how they look) to be used in my hallucinagenic delusions. what i want to really experience is something where i'm not even on my porch anymore. something fuckin eldritch! something i can't explain easily because it's something i can't imagine sober.

what i experience on the decline rn is something along the lines of near-sobriety but with lucid dreaming-like imagination. if i really wanted to, i can snap out of the delusions (but why would i do that), so instead i lean into the imagined scenarios. and even though my logical brain knows it's not real, it can still feel quite real.

8 September 2023

i was gonna try tripping in the back seat while my sister and their boyfriend drive me around. but they're such goody two shoes that i can't relax and just smoke casually. it ruins the whole vibe. salvia isn't like weed, as i've mentioned, but mainly it doesn't semll and you're definitely not hotboxing the stuff. so even if the windows weren't lowered (they were), there shouldn't be any issue. but everytime they noticed me light my lighter, the conversation would die and the windows would be lowered even more. i'm fine being left to my own devices in the backseat, but don't fuckin get all narc-like for nothing.

1. the stuff is legal
2. it won't smell up the car
3. it doesn't affect you!

are you so afraid of getting in trouble?
no wonder i have had my peanut gallery all up in my grill for smoking. jtfdgnvjfudg can't even get away from my parents when they're on the otherside of the country.

26 July 2023

everytime i've tripped thus far, ive imagined something along the lines of a peanut gallery appearing around me. i don't see anybody exactly. sometimes i associate things in the room to the voices since the voices most certainly have direction. the voices are just my normal inner monologue. but my inner monolgue has always been a dialogue, so it "takes shape" as the peanut gallery, i suppose. my notes say this to be exact:

"but it's funny the voices seem like different strangers but they also feel like they originate from the voice in my head everyday which i assume sounds like me [as in my voice] and to yourself yknow from like your perspective"

the voices have a tendency to be mean. i think its cuz i assume everyone else is judgin me for tripping. like no one else participates with me nor encourages me. they always recoil. as if they'd catch whatever i have. it's fun, it's harmless, i'm not forcing it onto anyone. it kind of feels analagous to being trans. it's fine doin it on my own, i guess. but it's better to be recognized or rather to share understanding with others.

"But I'm always thinking about how I'm seen. Not physically but emotionally. Am I the A+ son that had a rough time near the end and became depressed and deadbeat for it? Am I the older sibling that knows everything but is an asshole? Or some kind of junkie deviant not worth getting too close to? Maybe people keep their distance in a way that's kind of a compliment? Like she's too cool to be hanging out with me in a genuine way, she would only hang out with me for a little bit so I shouldn't get too attached I hope not. That makes me very sad even tho that makes me sound v cool"

i think i really wanna know what it's like to view me from third person while im out and about throughout my day. i only really i know how i look in a mirror head-on or as i'm passing by windows on the street. it's hard for me to look in the mirror and see that person as me. like, yes, that handsome broad in the glass looks great, but Me?? those mirror mes i see throughout the day? not my face. not my hair, not my bangs, not my legs. i wish that i was able to hold my reflection's hand or touch her face. maybe that would make her feel more real.

26 July 2023

You get a bit hungry during the trip, but I recommend you don't eat anything until you come all the way down. it's hard not to focus on the specifics of food consumption while eating and it really grosses me out, personally. also, you may not be physically sweaty, but you feel all hot and sweaty. honestly, sitting in front of a fan or in a below average temperature room are not bad ideas. and for background noise, familiar music is good. music that is like lofi/vibey is good too. music with words might take a significant role in your trip. i know asmr videos most certainly do.

26 July 2023

here are my tips for smoking salvia:

you want to make sure you pulling it in Hot! a concern i have a lot of the time because of my experience with weed is that ill end up coughing a lot and it ruins my fun. but with salvia, for some reason, it causes cough-inducing smoke very very super rarely. so make sure to pull it with the flame all up in there. id still pull relatively slowly ofc, but hot!!

once you are shotgunning the smoke (at whatever pace is right for you), you will start to feel it. don't worry. you will absolutely have enough time to finish shotgunning and time to lay back wherever you'd like. once you lay down you'll start hitting the peak of the effects, and the peak will last for what feels like a few minutes. i don't actually know how long it takes in reality.

the next phase: you'll realize that you've returned from your journey. i recommend talking to someone about it while it's v present in your mind. allow yourself to look foolish, take it easy, no need to be full of energy and move around or anything like that. you aren't ready to leave the "safe place" yet (assuming youve taken the normal tripping precautions of keeping dangerous things away and having someone watch over you etc).

during this phase, your short-term memory and logic seem to be fine, but your long-term memory and planning is shit. this is why you ought to have someone else around - just in case. because of this phenomenon, if youre the sitter, it will be much harder to logos convince a tripper away from a bad idea. it'd be more effective to just naturally lead the conversation slowly away, eventually the tripper will completely forget that train of thought.

the final phase: after ~15min the tripper will probably come off as normal, but their faculties are still not 100% so give it another 15-30 to become completely sober