20 August 2024

it has been nearly a year since i wrote in here. crazy to see that my parents have known i'm lena (officialy) for a year now. according to my Ash, when she uses lena to refer to me to them, they just roll w it. so i guess we're making progress. i even tried getting a job at my dad's work and wnated him to try to recommend me, using my Lena resume. he seemed quite hesitant and ended up not doing it, but it could have been due to more corporate factors. or so i'm going to run with for optimism's sake.

i guess to start the recap, japan. while i was there it was v affirming. i dont think a single person assumed i was a guy. not even after hearing my voice, so my confidence was really boosted from that. some people even complimented me on my appearance. and since coming back from the trip, ive had people hit on me in public. it's been p weird. i'm glad to have people v far removed form my circles complimenting me. even if theyre weirdos that dont have any game lol. i've also been in boston's trans circles more since japan. gotta be honest, the majority of these girls are fucked in the head for one reason or another. really makes me feel mentally healthy. and then also a lot of people are more visibly trans than i am, so there's some more confidence in knowing that even compared to irl trannies, i'm a prettier one. i still think that if i wanted or needed to, i could pass as a boy, but emery assures me i cannot. but my chest isnt v big still. maybe hasnt grown at all since japan to be completely honest. and there have been occasions when people have clocked me as trans for some reason or another, usually my voice. so i don't believe emery fully, but i'd like to.

16 November 2023

i dont think i have much to say about this, but i wanted to record it anyway. get it out of me, at the very least. i have officially, in person, told both my parents about my new name. i told them that i dont expect them to get it right away and that i didnt hate the name the gave me. its just about setting up expectation. but as expected my mom took it personally regardless. my dad i think either was being as supportive as he could given his wife's position or he was trying to weasel out of it by saying "its really diffcult. i dunno if ill ever get it"

so yeah. they took it p much exactly as i predicted. but at least now i told them and so i dont feel like its some unspoken secret anytime we're talking. and i can v easily tell people that its okay to call me lena in front of them and stuff like that

3 November 2023

i cleaned my room recently. 2 days later, i realized that clothes were thrown everywhere already. nevermind all my makeup and hair stuff being a health hazard; i formally apologize to every girl's room i've ever silently judged. i didn't think that it would happen to me.

also something i've been reminded of recently, trans women are such a minority. it's understandable to forget that - my feeds and friend groups have so many of them, that my lived experience is skewed from reality. on tumblr, im so used to the "transgender website" but a random poll highlighted to me how much more of those transgender people are afab types. my small circle of trans women is probably small BECAUSE there aren't many of us in the first place. there just isn't much of us to go around. of course we end up all following each other. in my fc, i have just been assuming that the reason there were so many (~5?) transfemmes in syrup is because ffxiv just has so many. i assumed it was just probability. but now i'm realizing so many of us probably stick around because we found each other here. it's not like we do things together that often as an fc; we just chat mainly. in boston, it's easy to assume that since i see visibly queer people often enough that my online spaces are similar to reality. but i talk to someone new once, and i remember that most people don't even consider trans people nevermind specifically trans women more than like once a year. at most. japan probably will be more jarring for me than i'm able to expect...

23 October 2023

I've been playing ff14 again lately. ive been meaning to log in more regularly, especially since i havent caught up with the msq from last patch. i also feel bad not logging in to see everyone. i dont like feeling like a relationship is falling away just cuz an effort wasnt made. but i felt like i was forcing myself to play as well. like i dont wanna feel like im logging in as a chore cuz of a grind quota or whatever. but i recently got the urge to play some. and coming back in this way has been so nice. everyone from the fc is so nice and fun to talk to. idky but i felt like they wouldnt really notice my disappearance (besides aes ofc lol)

what really surprised me tho was amber messaging me with "hey i think your 1 year hrt-niversary is coming up? congrats!" it really hit me. i have been playing ffxiv as Lena Cove for so long now. like i really associate my self with my character. and these people have known me as lena longer than anyone else in my life. i actually joined the fc before i was on hrt. thats how long it has been. it just really shocked me at how crazy that is. and that i have so many fellow trans femme friends in here. irl i only really have timber, and they're def more enby than i am. whereas, the girls in my fc feel more aligned with my binary-pilled self. i'm just v grateful. Thank you guys!! ♥

30 September 2023

i've been having this realization quite often recently, so i wanted to record it. i have been actually thinking of myself as a girl. which sounds like a betrayal. all the tgirls in the - lets say comments - are up in arms "you were always a girl!" yeah yeah i do subscribe to that way of thinking, don't worry. but there's also this aspect of like, i've been told i was a boy for so long and i had no reason to doubt them and so i believed it myself of course. so liek throughout my entire egg cracking and transition up until now, i've seen myself to an extent as a boy playing pretend. like i felt that i would never reach the land of "girlhood" that i had put on such a high pedestal or something like that. like that's the source of fear for entering bathrooms and buying clothes or whatever. "oh but what if someone sees me and asks me questions and realizes i'm born a boy and i'm doing this whole dance to make people think otherwise?" but i'm cresting the hill over that phase of my life. and good riddance. i see my body parts and see tham as "girl's legs." like even if my hair is growing out, i see it in a feminine way instead of it being like my body betraying me. at parties, i'm still a bit surprised people call me she, especially even after hearing my voice, but like i have no fear with bathrooms or talking about girl stuff with confidence. oh yeah, like i used to hold my tongue on feminist topics cuz i was a boy, but now i have much less qualms about saying my piece. if anything when i am reminded of my boyhood in any way, it's honestly jarring. "like what? me? a boy? when?"

27 September 2023

a scary thought has occurred to me today. i put a lot of effort into passing on the daily. the words really escape me with this one. like i want people to see me as a woman. i do. but today i interacted with some other transfemmes that also don't pass perfectly. like they looked good. i just have a self critical eye that i cant help but turn ot thers at this point. but when they looked / talked to me, i feel like they didn't give me any of the signals of recognition. like i can't get into the micro expressions i'm referring to without sounding crazy. im just so sad. like my own community doesn't recognize me as their own on the street? i dont even think i pass that well. like my voice is still confused for a boy's over the phone or online. but like i should be elated. that they cant tell i was trans. it means that cis people definitely cant. like why am i trying to find all these reasons for how they must have noticed but just didnt convey that in any way?

i definitely feel how my emotions have become "unlocked" with estrogen. like when i was a boy and younger, my emotions were v bland. it's like i only had the choices of the primary colors of emotion. my life was also easier back then. and i was v ignorant. like so ignorant that it's hard to explain. i just never really had a deep understanding of anything - just floating through life. and maybe just by the factor of getting older, i've gained that depth through years of introspection. like for god's sake, i didn't realize that i could be trans until it was explicitly told to me. and even like a few months in on estrogen, i was feeling the "opening" of my emotions. but i didn't expect it to open even more. i feel like i'm so in tune with like.. everything. like as a boy i understood that we are but a small part of this large and unforgiving universe and we are here on this earth as lucky cosmic coincidence. "so let's make the best of it!" kind of thing. but now i feel like i'm constantly being reminded of how full every single person i talk to's life is. which i knew as a boy. but now i feel it. every. single. person i talk to has a life full of multitudes that i couldn't possibly understand in a single life. and that's not to mention the thousands of people in my city, i don;t come face to face with. or the millions and billions across the world who are having lives that i can't even comprehend on a surface level. and all the fish and animals; all on TOP of the now relatively small understanding that the universe is vast and it all takes place on this rock called Earth and just how far yet not far at all each and every human is from the rest. the universe has gotten smaller but my city block has become infinite. now i can feel colors down to micro hue. it's like a key has been stabbed into my back. and as i adjust to its presence, i lurch and grip to the floor vomiting up pure white emotion. it's incredibly horrifying yet extremely relieving. like getting a know out of your back or realizing that you were holding your breath and finally breathing deeply again.

which i should do right about now lol.

i suppose i found a sense of safety and home in being visibly trans. like i knew that if there were any eggs or baby trans or whatever in my proximity, they wouldn't feel so alone. they'd see me and think "oh so this city, this train, this bar, this store has people like me." but now, i am crossing or have crossed the threshold of being a lighthouse for others. it's a shame really. i finally have mentally taken the turn as well. i only recently have started feeling like it was weird for people to call me a boy. like i no longer think "yeah i suppose they're right. i am just dreaming / pretending." so now that i've crested the hill, do i really look back and think that i will miss it? when i worked for so long to leave it?

8 September 2023

my parents are out of state for a while, so ive been tasked with housesitting. i only have to check in like once a week or so. going back to my homewtown, with no plans to meet anyone, came with some interesting revelations. the odds of me coming across anyone i knew was super slim, which got me thinking why i felt so queasy in what should be my own home. i walked around the house as per my duty. i realized that even though i have been witness to the slow changes of my childhood home over the years, including the changes that accrued after i had moved out, i felt like i was intruding. it felt like a place with my essence - due to the scant artifact from my childhood here and there: guitar hero controllers, familiar tv show posters, photos of me, etc - but completely separated from me. the rooms i spent the most time in, my room and the basement, were 99% changed from how i remember it growing up. none of the furniture is the same, and the new furniture is arranged in an unfamiliar way, but there is still one or two things from my youth still forgotten here and there. the rooms are all much cleaner than i ever remember the house being. the furniture in every room feels smaller than it ever did before. smaller than when i was last back half a year ago. as i walk, i catch a glance of myself in a full length mirror. who is this broad in this house? a cousin? she certainly didn't live here all those years ago. it's like there's this lingering shame that clings onto me when i'm here even though there's no one around to see me. this feeling makes me want to stay in town longer than my duty required me to.

i head to my elementary school's playground. i went here a lot since it was just down the block from my house. it was a fun teen hangout. it's nightime when i arrive and there's no one here. again, i remember the changes made to the playground over the years but right now i realize just how much has changed. the tire swing still hasn't been replaced. i guess it was more taken away than in the shop for repairs. instead of woodchips, the floor has been replaced by that squishy plastic matting. a basketball court has been paced down next the playground. surrounding the playground used to be a chain fence, but now a wooden handrail and plenty of beches and tables for the parents to sit and chat at. i didn't have any distinct memory of what used to be crudely engraved onto the slide's sides, but i pull out my flashlight to see if anything pops out - and as if there was some kind of cosmic irony, the only legible name i find is my government name. i'm fairly certain that i never wrote my name into the side of the slide, but here it is. i can't help but laugh. i walk about the field, reminiscing all the memories i have from my time there. i can see that the small hideouts me and my friends frequented were now abandoned, since the grass has finally regrown.

i head to my high school and park in my old spot. the car i drove back then has since been totaled, so its not the same but it's still familiar. i walk down to the football field and i'm reminded of all the moments i've had here. it's like i can still see everybody. the crowds of people gathered between the baseball fields and the football field before and after the graduation ceremony. me and my classmates on the soccer field during gym class. all of us band kids in the bleachers during those winter football matches. i find myself compelled to go sit in my old trumpet seat in the bleachers. although, as i take the first step onto the stairs of the bleachers, i stop. i still don't know exactly why, but it was as if there was some foreboding wind making me second guess if i should really go all the way up or not. i feel like i really shouldn't. but if i didn't that would feel like i'm giving up on something - something important. i just don't know what. i sit in my trumpet seat and look at the football field. again, i can see the football field alight and the scoreboard on. it really was a fairly movie-perfect high school. i just never realized how much i had been faking it back then. i think about how i was back then; how i felt back then. it felt like i was always holding my breath. always worried i would slip up in some way or another. it's amazing that i was able to be myself in any aspect at the school. in this town. back then i didn't even know that i was queer in any way. of course, there were rumors i was, but no one who personally knew me believed them. or at least i don't think they did. hmm, people were averse to touching me, but i didn't think anything of it at the time.

as i'm leaving, i think about my sister's perspective and experience in this town. they come back and visit so often. they always seem unphased. sure, being a "tomboy" wasn't the easiest route in our hometown, but it was far better than being an effeminate guy. my point being; they felt at home here. they didn't feel the need to leave. that's just what kids do. they leave hometown for college and come back for holidays. i, on the other hand, never had a single day that i didn't imagine escaping. i thought about escaping so much, it was less so growing up in suburbia and more growing up in containment. so now, that when i'm back in my childhood prison, i have a lingering paranoid fear that someone is going to find and capture me and lock me here again.

27 August 2023

my parents came over today. i dont know if they had a good reason. they went initally to pick up my sister from work, but they left soon after and we were alone. our relationship isnt strained, per se. but im used to them teasing my outfits and general appearance, but ever since i first came out to my mom how ever many years ago, later combined with when my dad received the medical bill for my blood tests (probably about 4 now?) and called me up about it, they've been teasing me less about such things.

but i know that just over a year ago my mom believed that your gender is determined by your sex by birth. and during the call with my dad, i could tell that he also believed that what i was doing was a type of self harm. but they also were insistent that they pay those blood test bills. so when they come into my apartment all happy to see me - and im all dressed up! i wasnt gonna change my clothes for them! i mean, i wanted to tell them to call me Lena since I knew they would be coming by. sure my boobs arent big but you can surely tell that theres something there. and others have told me that i look different since the last time they saw me, presumably from the medications. but then my dad, nor my "infamously perceptive" mother, noticed my nose piercing until 15 minutes into conversation?

i dont know what to think. are they blind to the changes; and thats why they didnt say anything? did they notice the medical changes and were so wrapped up in their heads choosing not to say anything about it that they didnt see the piercing? is it the same for more overall apparel? my hair was notably dyed - but maybe only i think its noticable? no one else has said anything. they still called me by my boyname. my dad still made comments on a specific part of my eye makeup; does that mean they aren't above ridiculing my appearance? i dont like to get into arguments over ideology without some retorts ready-in-hand, but theres so much in the air about all of it. i find it incredibly unlikely they'll stop paying my sister's portion of rent, but maybe theyll revoke my medical insurance somehow?

and this doesn't even scratch the self-inflicted guilt that i have now gained from not bringing up the name thing at all. "i'll do it from the start" becomes "not while i'm eating" becomes "next time they say my boyname" "maybe not so close to another contentious subject" becomes "when they leave" becomes "maybe ill just text them?"

UGH.

i dont fully understand what it is i'm scared they'll do if they learn about my life now. who ive met/befriended, what new places ive been, what new things ive done, hobbies that died out, i didnt want to tell them any of it. its not like theres anything they could do other than whine about it. im just scared to do it. and i thought i was so brave leading up to it, fully sure i would. i want to just disrespectfully tell them how it is and if you disagree then get out of my house, or i'll never talk to you again, but its seemingly not that simple.