2024 December 30

a lot has happened since my last diary entry. i dont really wanna go over everything again. the short of it is emery was treating me terribly and i stayed on board for longer than i should have. all those stresses she was telling me she was having may have been true, but ultimately those reasons arent good reason for her trying to evade me and being upset with every little thing i did. and now that we're broken up and some time has passed, it's really easy to see how we werent compatible. we were pretty close but in the end, she just comes at life in a vastly different way than me and it just wasn't and wouldn't be fun for me to keep trying to force us to work. i also got fired from my old job, for something that was totally my fault and avoidable, but i dug my own grave with that one. life is all about learning from mistakes. i got a new job that has more avenues for growth tho.. even if it pays me significantly less. i'm not fully out of the darkness of all that bad shit. honestly, it's been kind of a curse to be so damn optimistic all the damn time. like it's a good thing emery and i aren't together anymore. maybe this too shall pass, but it's really easy to find her just annoying without many redeemable qualities. for all her talk of being the bigger and more mature and more responsible person in her life. she really isn't that in so many ways. she's clearly been warped by the horrendous trans/queer people in her life, and evey single one of them i've met are unbearable and/or toxic. of course, i'm not perfect and in times of weakness or high stress am immature myself, but she is the opposite. in times of strength, she's the better person, but her default is to make herself the constant victim of things she set into motion. it's funny. i think in a way, i made this website and diary so that i had somewhere to share my thoughts instead of bottling them up. but when things got really bad, writing in my diary felt stupid and unhelpful. it led me to talk to the people in my life.

in the end, i have a lot going for me. i have a job where my actions and opinions matter. the people are nice to talk to. and as i said before, it doesn't pay me very well right now, but i have my support system. even if i want to separate myself from my parents financially, i can still count on them. the only thing stopping me is my pride, which i don't plan on letting win if i can help it. i have friends who like me and want to hang out - even if it takes some effort to actually make it happen. i get along well enough w my roommates, so if rent became an issue (due to emery shit or otherwise), they'd have my back. i think my overall mood would be better if i felt confident in covering my rent and didn't have to live with the person whom caused me so much emotional turmoil.

anyway, i'm really excited for 2025. i think new years itself will be fun. the car i imported will be drivable in a few weeks (great condition just paperwork), allowing me to expand my job range and allowing me to hang out w friends more easily. said paperwork is the beginning of me changing all my paperwork for my name change. and there's no confirmation in any way but i think sometime within the next year, i'll get my surgery. i'm enjoying my life even with all its turmoil still. i wish it was easier, but it will make when it is that much sweeter right?

hopefully i'll work on this site more

14 October 2024

i dont really know where to start. i suppose with the bad. still haven't landed a job to help me feel secure in my future. i have some things in the works, but i still don't know how those will turn out. the whole month of september for emery and i has been very rough. there's been a lot of talks about stuff that sounds like we're on the verge of breaking up. i don't think we're going to though. it's just that, as expected, she's been really worn down emotionally with the stresses of work, the streses of an upcoming surgery, the stresses of taking care of a friend that is emotionally and fiscally in danger. all of those things have gotten her stressed and when she's stressed she goes into flight, and made me feel bad, which led me to piling on more stress on her. she told me that she cut herself today, and that it didn't even help. i want to be supportive in a healthy way, but i just don't know how.

so i'm trying to give her more space. so much so that it kind of feels like we're more akin to some where between romantic and platonic rather than fully romantic and dedicated to one another. in doing so, i'm focusing more on the projects that i still have been letting fall to the wayside. but i also have some new projects, i bought a kei car from japan. it's still in the works of being shipped over. the monetary fears aside, i'm really excited. one of the new projects that is coming from the car (Lyla) is that it has a CD player, so I'm finally compiling all my songs to mp3s so i can burn them to CDs. and i think the signalis vinyl dylan preordered for me should be arriving soonish, so i think i'll be investing in a record player. mom n dad said they could just give me theirs, which is nice - saves me money. but i suppose, inheriting their vinyls kind of removes sime luster from me... at least right now. i was excited to start a collection. inheriting theirs, feels like taking a shortcut i wasn't planning in taking. but i think in the long run, i'll be happy to have hand-me-downs. it creates better stories in the collection than just vinyls "i like so i bought them." all this new tech and stuff will need space at/around my desk, so I think i'm going to finally fix up my cables with fixtures that screw into the bottom of the desk. i also bought microfiber cloths so i would be more likely to wipe my desk for dust again. after losing the brush wand, i really have not enjoyed dusting.

20 August 2024

life is still heading apace. a tad bit too monotonous for me. although, i still feel like theres always something happening like every week, but just not v bombastic stuff. emery had her breast surgery and with it has come some stress. she has been just more on edge lately. and she has been hanging out w this other girl that she is having a lot of fun with and she's sturggling with the old "catching feelings." which i dont have a real issue with, other than the fact that this girl seems nothing like me and that, even though emery has been hanging out with her like v consistently (nearly daily online and maybe weekly in person), i have yet to meet her. i feel like the issue would be resolved if we could all hang out together for once, but since it feels like she's sneaking off to be with her, it makes things more tense. i'm taking it in stride i think tho. every once in a while we have a p serious conversation to clarify small misunderstandings that pile up.

and when it comes to my life specifically, i've been better about my hobbies and i'm still aplying to jobs. had a promising interview earlier this week, but it might not lead to anything. i'm getting the nier tattoo this weekend, which i'm really excited about. i'm considering getting a haircut finally too. get a whole "back to school" makeover. it is that time of year after all. and my finances are looking really good. my retirement funds are on a really good track and my emergency funds are well-padded. im definitely gonna go on another fun trip once emery is done recovering from her surgeries. here's just hoping i can get a job w a future s.t. my budgeting skills can explode into being rich.

17 July 2024

didn't get that job. but i am filled w more drive than ever to find a new job outside of toscanini's. some of these jobs seem interesting but i mainly just want something that is better than toscis on the resume at minimum. now that the martha's vineyard trip has passed, i think the days will calm down. i can try to finish my hobbies like sf6, ffxiv dawntrail, this website, some visual novels, maybe start onlyfans. it's hard cuz i have more people wanting my in-person attention (not that im complaining) so i cant dedicate like a "ffxiv day of the week". especially cuz i want to support the fc, but i just am not always in the mood to play ffxiv. same w sf6, i ought to play regularly to keep my skills up and improving, but i don't always want to. not to mention, the shows i want to watch w emery but coordinating that on top of our irl schedules it's pretty impossible.

17 June 2024

yet again, i have put off making a diary entry for too long. i mean my life has been pretty good and busy since, so it's as good a reason as any. i have to read the last entry to try to understand what's happened since then. and yeah, its pretty different. Emery has moved in, and after a really annoying multi-month debacle, my sister moved out and is living w Aiden. i dont know what their plan is, but honestly, it was so annoying that i do not care. in their place, jon and emily have moved in. i'm happy to be back to reasonable amount of money on rent. jon has been a blast to have around, the apartment is no longer just me and emery and a guest. emily has been nice, but she's kind of messya nd apathetic to the shared space. she's easy enough to talk to but i dont want every one of our conversations be accusatory. i don't want to be her mother. and no one else is in much mood/position to say something.

emery and i have definitely gone thru the honeymooning phase but we're still cute together. it's just like - i know there aint anyone else out there i'd rather figure out life w. probably. i like that we can talk through anything and that we're mature enough to consider the others' feelings at any moment. in other news relative to emery, i don't think her friends are Suuuuper my type? like they're cool enough for me to hang and talk with, but they're not So Fun that i would want to hang with them like one-on-one. at least the vast majority of them. but it's still nice to hang w other trans women. i like the mix. i also learned through trial and error that going to clubs and stuff just aren't really my thing. which is kind of sad since i feel like that makes me kind of boring sounding. i may be a physically loud person but i'm not a socially loud person i suppose.

and in other news, i have a phone interview tomorrow for a job at caroline's work. i'm really hoping it goes well. it's 70+k w benefits. this would finally help me break into lower middle class, and i could be confient that even if i never got a raise again, my future is quite safe as it is rn.

19 February 2024

i wanted to make an entry for a while, but i wanted to do the japan entries first. p much as soon as i got back from the trip and unpacked, ive been hanging out w emery nearly daily. she is very much like me, which is great. and she knows more queer people in the city, and more like 'connections' so it's been a real boon in my life. it's strange how fast we got along. our interests line up, our personalities align, and she loves domming me. i don't have much to complain about. through our relatively short time together i also got a roommate through her. lots of fun days i wouldve not had without her, thats for sure. yesterday we went to manray and it was definitely p fun, but mainly cuz we were there together.

8 December 2023

so i think im a Narcissist. i've confidently claimed that before as like just a half-joke adjective. but now... yknow, lately, i've just been exposed to a lot of differences between myself and others. specifically when it comes to romance vs friends vs strangers etc. i feel the need to explain myself. (probably because i'm used to not being believed at my word) so firstly, i was talking to Aiden about how i feel about physical contact and what a crush feels like. he seemed to think my level of 'skinship' is flirtatious. which i suppose i knew, since thats how people in the past react to it, but like i don't feel that way. and he was saying something about "wanting to be alone with your crush" and i stopped him mid-sentence, cuz i never felt the need for that on my end. again, i knew others liked it that way, so i knew the importance of being one-on-one, but i have always liked when there were more people around. and then also, with Timber, we were talking about attraction, and the conclusion i derived from it is that we are fundamentally different in a way that i think goes deeper than simple extraversion vs intraversion. the tiers of relationship for them is like, firstly, they don't want to be friends with any passerby/strangers. then out of those they do want to be friends with, there's some kind of compulsion beyond that, in which they are attracted romantically, and that goes beyond superficial stuff like looks. on the otherhand, for me, everyone is the same. i want to be friends with strangers and i don't feel that extra compulsion above friendship. at best, if someone is attractive, and i mean ATTRACTIVE, then i'd wanna get frisky with them.

and nevermind exactly how i found myself at narcissist, just know that it has been bouncing in my head a while, right there with autism and aromantic. but i'm just gonna go down the line of symptoms etc for narcissism personality disorder and talk about how much i relate to it. admittedly, i don't think i have the full blown disorder exactly. but i'm definitely more aligned with it than most people.

• Have an unreasonably high sense of self-importance and require constant, excessive admiration. Behave in an arrogant way, brag a lot and come across as conceited.
• i have a Reputation for having very high.. 'self-esteem' and when people don't text me back immediately i very much get on edge (not that i would tell anyone because that would make me seem clingy ane neurotic)
• Feel that they deserve privileges and special treatment.
• i have to remind myself constantly that things aren't owed to me. my default state is to be entitled. like at work, if someone asks me to do something, in which is totally my wheel house to do, but i don't want to do, i feel like it's unfair, but snap myself out of it - begrudgingly
• Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements, Make achievements and talents seem bigger than they are.
• constantly. when i meet people, i default assume that they must think highly of me. and i always inflate small things i did, as bigger than they are, if it i can get away with it
• Believe they are superior to others and can only spend time with or be understood by equally special people. Be critical of and look down on people they feel are not important.
• also all the time; people younger than me, people who don't have the same knowledge as me, let it be in academics, world experience, or even just personal philosophy
• Take advantage of others to get what they want.
• I have these thoughts constantly. I even feel like I'm really good at it, since I think about it all the time. I more often than not refrain since I've been taught that it's wrong to do it... well to non-strangers at least.
• Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office.
• see above bullet point. but also even stuff like 'best bridget', 'best salty caramel', 'best apartment'
• Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection. Extreme sensitivity to criticism, rejection, and negative feedback
• when people criticize in person, i think i do a better job of taking it on the chin, but when over text or alone, i definitely struggle with this. i remember being so broken up about failing my driver's test that i stayed home for school and crying for hours
• an account from a diagonsed pwNPD said this that i agree with: "if i run into a roadblock, my mind will go 'this is boring and not worth my time right now, lets drop it' instead of acknowledging that i just haven't learned how to do it yet, and if try to learn, my mind goes 'no, you already inherently know this better than everyone, so their flawed teachings will only corrupt your natural talent.'"
• Frequent devaluing of relationships or discarding people. Refusal to admit or experience vulnerable emotions.
• I constantly am willing to just. cut someone out of my life. at the drop of a hat, if i'm able. friend groups, girlfriends, even my parents, it doesn't matter. and i always feel like that's just me putting on a face to avoid any emotions that come from them.
• You struggle with intimacy. Love bombing and devaluation cycles are common.
• with all of my relationships, especially since high school, we have a grace period of 6 months or so and then i lose like all interest. and when they eventually also lose interest in me due to my distancing, i want to get their attention again (without being cringe)
• They don’t inherently identify their personality as problematic.
• when i was looking this stuff up, i laughed at this one because i was thinking to myself "if i Am a narcissist, i dont really want to fix it, just wanna know the symptoms."
• May struggle with self-destructive behaviour when they don't feel admired. Periods of intense boredom or dissatisfaction resulting from lack of connection with others.
• I do this literally all the time. If no one is around, I get bored. I chalked this up to extraversion previously. and when i get bored, i always smoke or drink to help avoid that feeling.

4 December 2023

sometimes i... well, most of the time, I feel like there aren't that many people like me in the world. even my friends seem so disparate to me. extroverts seem rare. confidence seems rare. adventure feels rare. and to have these things as well as like an agreeable personality/ideology and/or sharing hobbies? feels impossible. but reading manga and watching shows in which the author(s) clearly have had similar trains of thought to me - similar troubles - it really helps me shake off those worries. these people are out there. i mean they're even in japan, a place in which the culture is so so different. i just have to find them.

16 November 2023

Today I've been thinking a lot about love and my emotions. In the last month or so, I feel like I've been confronted with these questions a lot and I think I'm finally coming to a resolution about it all that I can be happy with. or, at least, understand andt thus act accordingly. i feel like i've always been worrying about the exact taxonomy of my relationships and how i feel toward each person. are we friends? are we close friends? best friends? acquaintances? crushes? squishes? could i have a sexual relationship with this person and have it be enjoyable? do i even want that kind of relationship? all v complex. i think it's cuz i just haven't felt that way with someone in the first place. so i'm like grasping at straws to find something - anything - that could be considered Love. but, i think i have been neglecting the roots of it all from the start. my sister has always adored me, and i never understood why. asking them even today, they don't understand why. but i think that's probably it. when it comes down to it, you want to spend time with them; even if they push you away, like i did for them.

i will admit, for my own sake, that it's hard to gauge that for me. apparently. so many of my relationships with people friend or not are so emotionally fulfilling for the first 6 months or so. but after that time, really determines how much i like them. i suppose the novelty wore off? and 6 months is a long time to be concerned about if i like them or gasp 'like like' them??

i think this also follows a trend i've been noticing for many of my friends but really brought upon by the bonesaw folks. i feel like the people in my life that i want to be with more are too busy or don't want to hang out with me. hopefully the former. and that leaves me with a bunch of people who really dampen my mood. kind of like a towel. but i don;t wanna get dragged down into that negativity. so i suppose now that i'm out of the 'honeymoon pgase' with bonesaw, i'm revving to meet new people again. i wonder if i'll ever meet enough people to satisy me. will i ever have a crew of people that i won't be so desperate to make new friends without? Future Lena, im so jealous to hear of the stories you'll have a year from now!!!

23 October 2023

uwaaa!! i have fallen extremely behind in terms of keeping this diary up to date lol. i was also going to make multiple posts at once to make it seem more regular but at this point i'm just gonna do it in one, and if it's long, it's long.

so the first thing i've got in my notes to talk about is Adventure Time. I was finally catching up on all of it. It was such a cornerstone of my youth and HBO had released this new Fionna and Cake show. I wanted to finsih the og before watching what i was assuming was going to be a 'the show growing up with its audience' kind of deal. I think it was a crazy good timing to watch AT now instead of when it released or whenever. Many of the episodes I had yet to see I think would've whooshed me any earlier in life. But now, I feel like I really sympathized. Like a lot of the lessons from the show (cuz it is a kids' show) were about mainly 2 things. 1. you're not the only one with family issues. and 2. you gotta learn to let go. let go of your anger about someone wronging you, let go of any desperation to cling to some kind of ideal self or past; just understand that you can't control anybody but yourself and that everyone feels justfied in their way of life for some reason or another, and it's on you to be okay with those differences. and then FnC was about acknowledging the mistakes of your past and not letting them take control of your life, be it guilt or trauma. it was really beautiful to experience.

I have notews for other stuff, but I don't even know what they're about any more. "Alcohol tolerance" and "saving money"? like yeah i suppose my tolerance has gotten lower, but idk what drinking night she was talking about. and i have been saving money since dylan moved out but like i still am not sure how much spending money i have is. i think rn i estimate ~$600 for savings and entertainment?

I found out that the darkwave music I have been listening to falls under the goth music umbrella. and so do other bands i listen to like The Cure and Depeche Mode. now i feel like much less of a poser with all my gothish clothes and outfits. Grace from work apparently is a big goth too, not that i could tell by just looking lol. so i asked her for more music and apparently she had a goth playlist made already! and if shes any form of authority about whats goth or not, i def am a goth cuz i liked a lot of her songs.

i just got back from bonercon in nh, it was fun. i liked being able to dress not for work. i even played with makeup for a halloween haunted house thing. and that also is like; i really like the goth look lol. i always felt that rural was not my vibe but being in nh really hammered it home. everything is like an hour away. and thre are no people around and when i do find people, theres a lot of pressure to fit in. even amongst/compared to the friends i was with. they were all in their element whereas i needed to like act even more myself as to feel better against my not being in my element. not to mention theyre all introverted. so even if we do go out, none of them want to like chat up new folks. and they cant keep their energy up throughout the day; everyone needs breaks and theyre always never lined up with one another. theres nothing wrong with it inherently. it just bothers me that they talk such big game about hanging out and being crazy but like thats all they are - talk.

30 September 2023

went to nate's (caroline's bf) bday party last night. it was really fun. i was inebriated but conscious and dylan even offered to drive me home, which was really nice of him. i love my friends, man. i always think of going to parties as a time to socialize with new people, but i had such a blast just talkin to owen, dylan, caroline, and nate, and other people i've previously met. i honestly feel a bit guilty for doing so. idk why or for who over what, but like dylan and i talked so consistently, i felt like the potential of the party wasd being put to waste but i don't regret it. we truly are such close friends. people drifted from our conversations probably simply because they couldn't keep up with us and our secret language of references or simply follow our train of thought maybe. i also see how cigarettes can be so addicting. please be careful future lena!!!

today, i found out in that live version of astrophysics + minttt + that other band, the other band was worth paying attention to! i saw her singing and was like "that's not a super-fem voice.. i wonder" and after a bit of rabbit-holing turns out she *is* trans! i also found out that all 3 of them are brazilian. i just think its cool that i had been listening to this artist, who had been, and still is!, in such a queer space, many many months before i even cracked my egg! and like this genre of music is so specific and esoteric to me, that i haven't been able to find much other songs/bands like it. so it's all wrapped up in a nice bow; a new artist, and a new appreciataion for the music i've already been listening to.

24 September 2023

the 10 days has been a rollercoaster now that i'm thinking about it. so much happened in such a short time, which is weird since it still feels like i'm not doing enough. i'm thinking that i might be giving myself more of a hard time than i deserve in terms of hanging with people and persuing hobbies and responsibilities.

i'm gonna go with the negative first since that's what i opened up the diary for in the first place tho. i've felt especially pressured to make connections recently because people keep talking about romance with and near me. specifically my sister and their new boy toy. for the last couple weeks he's been coming over nearly everyday, which i don't have any issue with. what i do have issue with is how they constantly retreat to their room to suck face and over the last week totally just banging like they're trying for a baby or something. really getting the bang out of your buck on those bc pills. i'm not jealous of what they have. obviously i dont know what's going on behind closed doors, maybe they really do have some kind of more than physical connection, but it feels like he just follows them around constantly as my sister thinks of more things that couples are supposed to do together. like if i wanted something 90% physical like that, i know that i can get consistent results just putting out on the internet.

in fact i had one of these people from the internet over and i was getting a strong vibe from them that they wanted to spend the night, but i just am not that kind of animal. i think if a girl were pretty enough i could have no emotional investment with them and want to be physical, but otherwise the feeling of someone wanting me and me not wanting them back is so fatiguing. but it got me thinking about what kind of relationship do i really want? i like the idea of having someone around that shares with me my happy moments: like watches the same shows and plays the same games and enjoys just being in my vicinity doing our own things and going out to explore. and someone who listens and helps with my problems, especially since i feel like i'm always the one helping everyone else with their issues. but i feel like that's p selfish of me. especially since i feel like, for a stranger i can't imagine wanting to do those things myself for them. i think i would need to find someone who's all those things to me and that i would have an innate urge to want to make their life for the sake of making their life easier. not because "that's what couples do."

maybe i've been trying to fit others' expectations so much that i didn't even realize i was doing it. even though i hang out and talk to so many people on a regular basis, i feel lonely, and seeing people in romantic relationships whom i know aren't as social as me seemingly feeling less lonely than i do has made me think that i need what they have to feel better. maybe i just don't "love" the same way others do. i still don't understand what familial love really is. or platonic love even. if i define love as wanting to be in somebody's life - by their side - forever, and that i want to be able to help them when they're sad or troubled, and have them be happy when they're with me, then i love my best friends, like Michael or Dylan. but i don't want to be physical with either of them like i'm 1000% sure. if i was able to be with them in this way forever i think i wouldn't need romance; i think i would be completely satisfied. and thinking about being physical with any of my friends feels like i'd be worsening or down grading our relationship somehow. i feel like if i were to have that with any of them, i would be pretending. like not being my genuine self or something. i think that's what the source of the "downgrade" comes from. but nobody else seems to feel the way i do. they all want a romantic partner. so my relationship with them will always be secondary at best. so what am i to do?

...

anyway, i also want to mention all the different things i did. like some sort of proof to myself that i do things. i gave myself a haircut recently. it was scary since it was my first time and i didn't want to fuck it up and have to go to a salon. but it came out nice! i feel like i did it improperly still, but it looks nice. a shame all my purple and even faded silvery look is gone tho. i've been making decent progress on the reviews section of the website. not close to done as of yet but i'm getting the look down and the rest will be easier after that. i've made my conchas a few times and i think i'm getting better. i'm refining and fine-tuning the recipe. i've been reading a lot of manga which has been fun (even though it was probably onset by all that relationship ooo-iness). i sent a request to a tattoo place in tokyo for the samus tattoo. haven't heard back yet, but i'm excited. caitlin and i are still keeping in touch regularly. she found a cute takina and ruby rose figurine for me, so i have those to look forward to when i get to japan! i started a new regimen for fixing my raccoon eyes (shower > moisturize > vitamin c > cucumber slices). i definitely should practice just not rubbing my eyes so much. wearing eye makeup helps but once i'm home it's easy to just "fuck it" and ruin it all for the itch. i've made DoH/L progress in ffxiv and feel like i'm in touch with all those guys in the fc ♥. i still play league with joey from time to time, as well as just text those guys p regularly. played halo with Owen and Kyle which was a blast. i haven't laughed that hard in a while! i was crying so much from laughing. i'm laughing just thinking about it tbh. even though they can be a pain, i hang out with my sister and their bf sometimes: watching rwby and playing guitar hero. i'm gonna bring some conchas to Michael tomorrow since he hurt his back recently. i've gone out into the city a couple times just for myself. usually for shopping/responsibilities, but it's still a fun activity. i payed my first loan payment. i've caught up on a bunch of adventure time. i hang out with the bonesaw folks a fair amount. notably with timber, i went to their swordsmanship classes which was an intersting watch! admittedly, i wish there was more socialization with the people there, but timber seems all introverted out by the time class is over and for me that's just when the party could've been starting. but even then, most everyone was ready to just head home. Just overall, i seem to have done so much even though i'm constantly giving myself shit about not! i'll be kinder to myself from now on. and hey, maybe having a girlfriend or whatever in my life would be distracting me from doing all those things too.

14 September 2023

so i was rewatching spiderverse 2 with my sister, and when we got to the scene where miles gets scolded by his parents on the rooftop, i was like "ah man so relatable I've been here so many times. heard those exact words actually"; and my sister replied "what? no, i've never experienced this in the slightest." and im over here like wHAT?? like how have you never gotten in trouble? i had to ask my friends to know if i was crazy or not. i dont thin i really got in trouble that much as a kid. but to not know that argument like beat for beat? like this kid i know is kind of a goody two shoes, but its like all the "scared of mom" bonding is like fucked up. you and i were not afraid of the same mom. you were just scared of - what? - disappointing her? i was afraid of being laid out or being like actually punished. not that my parents would ever hit or ground me, but they would definitely take things away. anyway i polled people and i found out that p much all my friends have never been laid out, and thus considered me a bad influence / someone who got into trouble frequently enough to ...not listen to me... that explains a lot actually. either that or they also got in trouble, even more so than i, and considered me as someone who never got in trouble.

i want to include how the loose form of the stereotypical argument goes, italics will be parents and nonitalic is me: (i do something bad and get caught) oye, what did you think you were doing? you disrespected me! i have done This and That all for no reward, just beacuse it was for you. im sorry! i have a reasonable to semi-reasonable excuse. oh with the excuses again! just do it the way i wanted like i said last time! explain yourself! ..sounds like you're exlpaining fine on your own. oh do you think you're funny? well, i'm not laughing. (asking an avalanche of prodding, biased, leading questions) can you not just believe that i'm telling the truth?? (some version of no) well what about if i convince you by explianing it logically? (don't budge) its My life! maybe so, but i have done so much (and sometimes other people are included here too) for you all to get this life you have that i would have given anything to have at your age! ok ok ok! just whatever.. WHATEVER???? just listen to me! OKAY WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO TELL ME THATS SO IMPORTANT .....nevermind. (later she might come back like ok i've thought about it and i wanna give you another chance to explain yourself but thats never how it goes she just sticks to her gun but now no longer yelling)

oh and also it was very clear to me that others do not see the trans allegory with gwen or just in general the "other" metaphor with being spiderman in general. i would get into it but this one is already p long and i'll probably explain it over in my reviews one day.

2 September 2023

idk what started me thinking this today, but it doesnt really matter - im thinking about this stuff all the time. i feel so alone. or isolated. idek exactly what it is and thats the problem. no matter the age ive always wanted to keep in touch with people, no matter the distance. but in hindsight, the gesture was never reciprocated. like of course they talked back to me and, my high school friends at least, do meet up in person every once in a while. but im always the one to initiate. im the one left on read. i feel like im so outgoing so i cant possibly be apprehensive to being with people. over the last year, ive also made so many friends of varying degrees. but i still feel like no one goes out of their way to hang out with me. do other people just not want to hang out as much as i do? or have i been so incredibly unlucky that all these friends ive made are hardcore introverts. and even thoguh ive never considered these thoughts much in the past, that doesnt mean it hasnt set me up with trust issues? like usually i associate trust issues with like ... doing everything yourself... i suppose i do do that. or rather, i associate abandonment issues with people doing anything and everything to keep people around, but i never put myself out to make plans with people. but obviosuly ive looked into loneliness on the internet and they get me thinkin all this other shit. like maybe my version of abandonment is that even tho i come across as an over-sharer, im not really sharing the parts of me that are me? and this bleeds into romantic relationships. like my heart never flutters for anyone in the way it seems for other people. ive always found girls more attractive than guys but like i havent met someone in real life in such a long time that i was like "wow. she is pretty." and i was just reading that 20s book my mom got me and in there he mentions some bit about your partner being someone who is willing to fight your fights with you, you find them attractive, your financial beliefs are similar, and theyre your best friend. like #1 and 2 are something i dont have with anybody in my life. do i really throw myself at people im not sure if we;d be anything close to compatible, simply because theyre putting out on some app? and hope that maybe something reveals itself by chance?? am i really just denying people the chance to know me before they know me? am i just impatient? ....am i just genuinely not someone people like to be around? ive made friends with people at work; ive made friends with friends of friends irl and online; ive made friends with strangers on the internet - but none of these ever fill this hole. people aren't coming to hangout with me even like once a week. the best i had for that was dnd with some of the high school guys but i wasnt having fun so i stopped. see? im not putting myself out that much to hang out with people! im not like an obsessive people pleaser. when im in japan, away from everyone i know, will i discover something about myself? will i realize theres actually someone in my life i will miss? what about if when im there caitlin comes to not actually enjoy my company? i was only fun via text?
its a shame that self-harm tendencies like drinking heavily dont distract me from this feeling
maybe i dont even know who i am to myself

1 September 2023

dylan moved out this week and so the apartment is becoming more vacant. its kind of sad to see it be less decorated and filled with furniture. on the other hand, moving all his stuff aside and out of the way, has made me excited to restructure the kitchen and living room. his desk being gone made me want to open up that corner of the living room and that made me move the bookcase which led me to reorganizing its contents and led me to reorganize the wires under my desk, since that's where i moved it to.

and i cleared the shelf in the kitchen that belonged to him so it would be easier to move out when he comes for it. clearing it all up and putting things elsewhere in the kitchen, creating a new organization to it all is v enjoyable to me. the potential and creativity for the new open spaces is exciting.

for the living room, i'm excited to make a space where sitting on the ground is comfortable. the kitchen will seem much brighter with the shelf gone

24 August 2023

Today, the roommates were out of the house. I wasn't sure how long they'd be gone, but I assume they'll either be back by the evening or not at all. I've been reading a new book and was enjoying sitting by the window doing so. I had the great idea to not just sit at home tho. I was telling myself that I should go check out the beach in southie by Broadway. So i head on over. While walking from the station to the beach, I'm taking in the neighborhood, and it is really nice. Like the whole street is that martha's vineyard shopping feel. and the houses are right along this road too, but im pretty sure that parallel to the main road were more like it maybe just not as beautiful. so since money and rent and jobs are on the mind rn, i decide to zillow the area see how it is. its just as expensive here (if not more) than the rest of the city near any transport. and as if they were reading my mind, the contracting agencies ive been in contact with reach out to me with 2 job suggestions. a 10-month contract with a $2/hr raise from my current work at a desk, or public reception for a similar price. based off the math i had done before about my finances im pretty damn sure i need like +$4/hr and if im desperate (i am) $3. all this soured my mood a bit. like i cant even move to a place of similar value. it was a miracle that my current landlord let us live here with our combined incomes.

anyway i make it to the beach and its sandy but a lil rocky and the water is super extremely calm and the sun is in and out and the breeze is lovely and my dysphoria has dropped drastically from the last week. im glad i can still appreciate what i Do have. i definitely should bring friends here to splash about in the summer. i definitely will want sandals. the water + socks and shoes, even if i dried them off properly and everything! would suck. it was fun to read on the beach, seeing people relaxing on a thursday afternoon. the occasional plane flying overhead. it reminds me how small i am in the world and how my problems are only temporary.

when i get home, i am invigorated to crunch the numbers again. it takes a while but i eventually get my ducks in a row. but my ducks are confusing me. my count is right, but i feel like i have more than i should. or less than i should? the analogy has fallen apart. ive lost money since november, overall. but ive made some big ticket purchases during that time, and i want a monthly average loss or whatever so i know by how much i should cut my spending. but if i dont include the big ticket purchases, it seems like im very much net positive, like a lot a lot. and thats great, but i also feel like my spending habits arent Great. like theyre Decent but not Great. i'll have dylan look it over for me and slap some sense into my hysteria.

oh i also - thinking i was gonna have to cut spending - bought meat from the grocery store. since i usually get my protein from fast food, and those costs add up, i got some meat. i got stirfry beef and it cooked way faster than i expected, making them way more well done than id like. but it was nice. just as planned, for a much lower price i got protein and felt full with just a few strips and ramen. next time ill definitely set the heat to low.